I've discovered that my bed is too big for me. Now that I sleep alone, my once snuggly full is now a large black hole just waiting to devour me. I couldn't sleep there the first couple of nights, so I slept in my car...it didn't have so many lingering connotations and the driver's seat was tailor-made for one...so I fit. Gradually, after massive amounts of self-coaching and an equal amount of back-pain, I made it back to my bed. It looked innocent enough, with its girly brown & pink flowered comforter and pillows that were just flat enough to stack.

See, I never used to sleep in my bed, I slept in his every night. Queen sized, blue, expensive sheets. Delicious. I only slept in my bed when I was mad at him. So, I'd already set myself up for failure in the sleeping alone department. My mattress was too hard. My sheets too rough. My pillows just weren't right. And my bed was too empty. So I'd tuck myself in, clinging to my stuffed cat as if it could turn back time, and prepared myself for the long night ahead. It's really hard to be alone at night when you've been with somebody for so long. At night, even if you don't mean to, you become attached. Your breathing slows down to match, or races to catch up to the other's. Your breath mingles and familiarity massages its fingers into your skin, making one roll over when the other does...and so on and so forth. Sleep becomes your retreat from the world together, and waking up with him is my favorite part of the day. Was...my favorite part of the day. Because then, you're all cuddle-bunny and clingy-eyed. And happy.

Being alone sucks; there's no other phrase that completely captures the tornado of emotions that whips through your body many many times when it's all said, done, and dead, other than how I said it the first time. I miss everything about what I had, and I will always wonder what I could have changed about myself to have accepted the little ways in which we were all wrong for each other. But it's over now...it really is. And I'm trying to find ways to get myself through the nights, because the days are easy. I'm smart and I'm funny, no one can tell that I rarely sleep at night because it simply makes me too sad.

So, I have subconsciously came up with a plan of action to psych my body into submission. I have arranged a MOUNTAIN of things to keep me company on my bed every night. I have at least three towels, seven blankets, various amounts of clothing, dvds and flip-flops, and God only knows how many books are stashed within the depths of the left side of my bed. Most of them are better company than he was.

I'm a messy person by nature. My room is a disaster, and most people would probably look at my bed unbridled disgust and think, "I hope she never has anyone over." Well I don't. It's a coping mechanism: if I move around in my sleep, stuff falls on me. Thus, I stay still. When I have to stay still, I forget about how big my bed is. And when I forget about how big my bed is, I often forget that I'm alone. Someone book-y and hanger-y and dvd-like is sleeping in my bed with me, and because of this, I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. My messiness also keeps me from bringing a new guy into my life. There's no room in my bed or my heart, and I'm not really ready to move on. I thought I was, but parts of me still hurt so bad. I am not anywhere near healed. But I will be. So I snuggle in the darkness with my cat and the junk against my back....I breathe at my own pace, and I am not going to cry anymore.



......I wrote this about three weeks ago when I was really alone. I mean REALLY alone. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of about a year (hellacious time) and I honestly thought that I would never be okay. I had been through one other serious breakup before (I'm only 20), but nothing could have prepared me for the loneliness of being me without him after I had immersed myself into his world for so long. To some people, a year may not seem like a long time. But to me, it is FOREVER. I am a jumper arounder, as my mom says, in relationships. I am rarely in one longer than a month or two, and when I am, it throws everyone for a loop. I loved him. I loved loved loved him. He was my world, the thing that kept me going when I was down, and the one who made me madder than any other person on the planet. In retrospect, we were/are ALL wrong for each other, in about every way that it is possible to be. I am DRIVEN...I come from a small town in a detached area that SUPPRESSES the life out of everyone who lives in it. It's an intolerant, ignorant, and selfish little town that makes me feel smaller than a penny and even less significant. I want to make something of myself (excuse the cliche), and I always have. I have yards of motivation and determination and all that good shit. I am going to be exactly what I want to be and nothing less. He, however, wants nothing in this world more than to play WoW all day and sleep when he feels the need to. He has no drive. I had to convince him to go back to school...he had dropped out for two years and was working at Quizno's. He also has the emotional range of a teaspoon, to steal from Harry Potter. I am a LOVER. When I am interested in something or someone, I put my all into it. Every sap of energy I had went into that relationship. Looking back, I realize that that's not really healthy. It would be, or would be better anyway, if he had done the same. But he didn't. He didn't care if I was there or not; he only noticed my absence when he was bored (which never happened, as his computer was a better companion than I) or when he was hungry, as we always ate together. He said "I love you" two months after I said it the first time. He never said it first. And when it was all said and done, he didn't even act sad.

And yet still....I miss him. The little things. I miss watching Desperate Housewives/Family Guy on dvd before we went to sleep. I miss our inside jokes. I miss how his hair flopped in his eyes (he just got it cut and it looks terrible fyi...made me feel a little bit better lol), and I miss our conversations about what we would name our kids (jumping the gun again). I miss how he was my boyfriend, my secret keeper, my cuddlebunny, my gossip go-to, and most importantly, my best friend. I really miss my best friend. To counteract this list and stop myself from crying (NERD/SAP!!!), I have have have to write a list of things that I hated:

I truly hate how he spent 5 to 9 hours a day on World of Warcraft. I hate how indecisive he was and how hesitant he was about everything. I hate how he was awkardish around my parents. I hate how he never noticed me (I'm generally a pretty noticeable person). I hate how he shattered me into a thousand pieces when he didn't ask me to stay. I hate how I am working myself into tears doing this, but I have to. It's healing. I hate how whenever he got off work, he'd smell like a big sammich and didn't always shower immediately afterward. I hate how he let people, including myself, walk all over him. ANNNNNNDDDD I hate how we're not friends anymore, but that one's my fault...long story short: I hate how I used to love him so much and really got nothing but companionship in return.

This is a random blog, but I was reading some of my stuff that I had written on my myspace and it just came out. I don't love him anymore. I don't. I just got so tired of not being loved the way I wanted to be. I want to be LOVED. Cherished. Adored. Lusted after. I want FIRE and PASSION and AMAZINGNESS. I want to be the only one that someone wants, and I want to feel the same way. Never in my life have I been in a relationship where at some point I haven't wanted out. I want that feeling so badly.

Anyway...enough reflection. Chris is making me steak n potatoes tonight :) This = I win. He's so frickin adorable.

I have never written in a blog before.  I have a journal, but usually I'm too lazy to write in it.  However, I really love to write (I'm an English major) and thought that maybe a blog is exactly what I need to carve my thoughts out.  So, here's what's on my agenda for my blog:

1.  A Record of My Day...anything memorable or fun that I did...I'm probably going to write it down, as I want to remember it and have a terrible memory. 
2. Thoughts...I have a lot of random, terrible questions that I'd like to ask the world (i.e. "Do you think that true forever and ever kind of love exists?") but have no place to put these questions. 
3.  Self-reflection...I find myself constantly questioning my decisions and motives behind the decisions that I actually make...I think that writing will help me solve my issues and maybe make me more decisive :)
4.  Lists....I love lists...as you can probably tell by reading this, I'm making a list on my very first blog.  Generally I don't ever DO any of the things that the lists tell me to do, but I feel accomplished that I at least have a list lol.  I'm a nerd. 
5.  Any other random shit that pops into my brain. I write a lot, so there may be poems/stories up every now and then. I intend to use this as a vehicle of my thoughts and questions, so any feedback would be great.

ABOUT ME:

I'm a sap and a nerd.  I am twenty years old, and I am a junior at SIUC.  I love it here.  It's amazing.  I generally find myself bouncing back and forth between guys, as I can't make up my mind about anything that I really want. I love to read (as I've already said); it's my favorite thing to do.  I love Starbucks, but I hate regular coffee.  I currently only have ONE job (happy dance!) compared to the three that I had during the school year; it's at the grad school at SIU.  Easiest job on the planet.  I have two great loves, their names are Amanda Suzanne and Randi Marie.  Too bad they are always so far away from me.  I am originally from Shelbyville, IL but have no plans to ever be back there more than one week at a time.  I hate it.  I love Pandora Radio.  I am pretty clumsy.  I screw up a lot, but not so much that a lot of people notice.  Just my mom, generally.  I am gradually turning into her, and I can't say that I am disappointed by that.  I love my mom more than any other person on Earth.  I love good wine and bad beer. I'm addicted to facebook and my new cellphone SAMSUNG GLYDE bitches.  I cuss too much, and I don't plan on changing it any time soon.  This paragraph is more random than I usually EVER am. 

RECENTLY: 
I *JUST* started dating a (so-far) really great guy named Chris.  No one really knows this yet and I'm sure it will make a lot of people mad, as I've been telling everyone that I am not ready for a new boyfriend (I just got out of a long boring relationship that bored and frustrated me to tears on more than one occasion).  It's also interesting that Chris had went out on a couple dates with one of my *new* acquaintances that I met through a friend.  It didn't go anywhere, but I think she liked him a lot.  And now I'm dating him.  Which some people would say makes me a giant cunt, but I agree that all is fair in love and war.  Anyway, I am really not excited about hurting one of my guy friends that likes me.  The feeling is definitely not mutual (at least in a sexual sense), but we had hung out a lot, cuddled and kissed a little.  But I straight up told him that I did not want a boyfriend, so he knows that there wasn't a chance that we were going to date (he had asked me a couple of times).  And I now feel like a GIANT hypocrite for jumping into this relationship when I told a million people that I didn't want to date anyone. 

~~~~~HOWEVER.......Chris is amazing.  He's frickin' adorable. And sweet. And fun.  And absolutely delicious in every single way.  He is the best kisser that I've kissed in a long time...HE DIDN'T TRY TO EAT MY FACE!!! It was wonderful!  I've stayed over at his house every night for the last week, met  his family (they were down for a visit....and they loved me), and had delicious delicious much needed sex.  It had been a long time.  Basically, my fucking face hurts from smiling so damn much :)  It is muy bien to be this happy; I'd forgotten what it felt like.  We've only been hanging out for a week (don't judge, I'm in college fools), but I think this could be a really really good thing.  We're both HAPPY people; we're both giggly and we talk too much and we LAUGH sooo much when we're together.  I haven't had anything like that ever; I generally attract the moody guys who bring more drama to the table than I ever could.  And I absolutely HATE moody people.  I cannot deal with moodswings; they confuse me and make me want to put a bullet in my brain.  Or theirs. 

Anyway....this is long and I could write PAGES more.  But I won't.  Maybe later :)
Cheers.